I’ve made a very disturbing discovery lately.
Now that I have teenaged daughters, who are really, REALLY interested in teenaged boys, I have discovered that teenaged boys are incredibly, mind-blowingly STUPID. It seems like the more a girl likes a boy, the stupider the boy becomes. I was a teenager once, if I can remember back that far, and I don’t recall boys in the 80’s being quite this clueless when it came to dating girls. (I’ll bet my mother does, though.) But I do remember that dating was totally AWESOME, or so it seemed, and that snagging a cute boyfriend was the ONLY thing I could think about. Some things never change.
When my girls turned 13, they became obsessed with things like hair, makeup, clothes and everything else associated with attracting cute guys. During every sleepover, the topic of conversation is — you guessed it — all things GUY-related. The concept of dating seems, to them, AWESOME, so they began preparing for it at an early age by reading every single Seventeen Magazine article on the topic, watching way too many Rom-Coms, discussing dating etiquette with their friends and practicing kissing on the mirrors. I know because there are lip marks all over the mirrors in my house. Yes, they spend every waking moment dreaming of finding that Prince Charming on a white horse who will love them and commit to them forever and always.
If you’ve already lived through high school, like I have, you and I both know, this just ain’t gonna happen. High school boys are genetically incapable of any form of commitment, and this is really how it should be. But that doesn’t stop girls from dreaming of love-soaked embraces, pink castles and unicorns. Basically it boils down to this…. Girls desperately want to be loved. Boys just want to…, well, you know. The goals of dating just couldn’t be more different, which of course leads to misunderstandings, arguments, breakups, crying and other forms of TEEN ANGST.
No amount of preparation can prepare you for the emotional minefield that your house will become when your teenaged daughter starts dating. Oh, sure, you start dreading these years the minute your daughter is born, but just 16 short years later, the ANGST bullet hits you right between the eyes. Crap, can’t we just go back to the years when their biggest crying fit was because I wouldn’t buy them gummie worms at the grocery store?
Emily, 14, hasn’t started dating yet, of course, but that hasn’t stopped her from planning for it. Believe me, she can’t wait to get in the game. Amanda, 16, on the other hand, has had a few short-lived “relationships” if you can call them that. Maybe she’s just been really UNlucky so far, but the sheer amount of stupidity and ignorance being displayed by these fools is truly astounding. It’s like watching Clueless Idiots on Parade. I actually feel sorry for these guys. It’s painful to watch them crash and burn. You stand by helplessly watching it, like a train wreek, but there’s nothing you can do, except pick up the pieces when it’s over. And let her eat an insane amount of chocolate in bed.
Since these jerks are sniffing around my house way too often, I thought maybe I ought to come up with a system to weed out the bottom-feeders. Unfortunately, you can’t rely on just looks to find the bad apples. Oh no. In fact, it’s the good-looking ones that you have to have the most suspicions. Wouldn’t it be great if we could require an application process for dating teen girls? You know, kind of like a job application, only way more intense. I think it would cut way down on the pansy-ass, self-centered, lying whinybutts who keep showing up on my doorstep.
So hubby and I came up with an application (see above, zoom in to read it) that, from now on, all potential boyfriends will be required to complete if they even HOPE to date my daughters. All incomplete applications will be rejected. We reserve the right to reject any potential applicant based on “bad vibes” or bad reputation alone. If you are a total A-hole, please don’t bother filling out this application. If you come around and break my daughter’s heart again, I’m going to break both your legs.
Consider yourself warned. And have a nice day.