TSA Lines are so long that… well, you know.
by Cindy Haney
This morning on the way to work, I heard a report on the radio that the TSA in our nation’s airports are purposely delaying travelers at check-in and screening in order to draw attention to the need for more workers. As a result, passengers are being told to arrive at their airport three hours before departure. How ridiculous is that? Is this even legal? How are they being allowed to do this?
Tens of thousands of people are missing their flights because of this steaming pile of dumb-assery thinking. And have you tried to book an airline ticket recently? You have to sell a vital organ on the black market to afford even one damn ticket, so you certainly DO NOT want to miss your flight. But you might. Because you will either die of old age while waiting in the world’s longest line, or you will be put in jail for having a meltdown in public and screaming out “I wanna SHOOT somebody!,” which you cannot, under any circumstances, say in an airport, by the way.
My daughter, Amanda, 19, is traveling on an airplane for the very first time next week. This is a big deal. She is going with her dad and her sweet boyfriend on a business trip to see the Pacific Northwest for the first time. As you might expect, she is eagerly anticipating this trip and all the amazing photo opportunities it will bring. Being that she has never had the oh-so-pleasurable experience of airline travel before, I thought I might suck some of the joy out of it because that’s what moms do. And also, hey, these facts could come in handy, right?
Yes, air travel is fun. But the problem with air travel is that – now follow me closely here – you have to actually go to an airport. This is a place which used to be a relaxing and stress-free environment, until 9-11 happened in 2001, and now everyone that steps foot in an airport is considered an armed and dangerous terrorist until otherwise proven a regular non-bomb wielding person.
The first person you will encounter in your airport experience is a woman named Judgy Judy at the ticket counter, who will stare at you with an Amber Alert look and then proceed to mentally waterboard you with personal questions such as “Do you plan on bombing this airport today?” To which you will hopefully answer, “Um, No.” Spoiler Alert… the answers to the next 24 questions she asks you is also “No.” No. No. No. Still No. And then she will send you to the next Fun Destination, called the TSA Molestation Station.
After 47 hours standing in a line that wraps around the airport six times, you will meet Officer Fred who, as part of his job description, has no concept of personal space and stares at you with the expression of a man who relaxes by strangling small furry animals. You notice that he smells like cigarettes and bad decisions. He then tells you to call him “Uncle Fred” and then grins at you under his hairy smugstache and says “Let’s get serious.” And that’s when the violation, I mean legal pat-down, begins.
Let’s pause here so that I might remind you that there is NO HUMOR in an airport. It’s a fact. Don’t even try to be funny. Erase all smiles from your face. In order to get through this humiliating experience, take my special mom advice. Here are…
Seven Things you should never say to a TSA Agent:
- “YOU SHOULD SMELL MY NEW BATH BOMB.” No, NO, wrong choice of words. If you say the word “bomb”, they’re going to shut down the airport for 10 hours while they interrogate you and put you on the permanent Terrorist Watch List.
- “THAT PERSON LOOKS LIKE A TERRORIST.” Even though you actually think this because the person is wearing a turban, carrying a bloodied machete, and dragging what looks like a stiff body bag, keep it to yourself! If the TSA overhears you, there could an investigation, and you can forget making your flight. Plus, you’re now a racist.
- “MAN, I LOOK HOT, DON’T I?” Don’t dress overly sexy. In fact, a bag lady costume might be your best bet. A short skirt or a visible bra might warrant an extra-long pat-down in a “special room” by a trained sex worker, I mean TSA agent. TSA’s slogan is now “Our business is to touch yours.”
- “DON’T HANDLE MY BAGGAGE!” See above. Oh, they’re gonna handle your baggage alright. Very thoroughly. If you’ve never been violated in public before, this is your chance. Unfortunately, cheap airlines are now charging an extra $15 molestation fee, so get ready to pay up, my friend.
- “I’D LIKE A FULL BODY SCAN INSTEAD OF A PAT DOWN.” If you get all diva-ish and start making demands, then blurry pictures of your genitals could end up on YouTube. But then again, without blurry pictures of genitals, there would be no YouTube.
- “I DON’T THINK I’M GETTING MY MONEY’S WORTH!” Speaking of extra fees, for the low, low price of $25 under the table, TSA screeners will give you a luxurious shiatsu massage, a breast exam AND an anal probe. That’s WAY cheaper than the doctor’s office. Think of it as your annual physical for a bargain basement price. No ObamaCare required.
- “WHERE CAN I GET SOME WINE AROUND HERE?” If Uncle Fred’s answer is “in the Yeti Cooler in the pilot’s cockpit”, do NOT get on the plane. I repeat, DO NOT GET ON THE PLANE.
So Amanda, I really hope you enjoy your first unforgettable airline flight. As usual with my Blog, most of this Mom Advice is crap anyway. So try to forget all of this and have a great time traveling. And give my love to Uncle Fred.