Dinner Date Etiquette: Dating Tips for High School Guys by Cindy Haney
As a Mom of a teen daughter who is just beginning to date, I’ve said before (read it here), that I am concerned about the cluelessness of high school boys. Seriously, they don’t seem to know the first thing about how to act around a girl. When did we stop teaching boys how to act like gentlemen in this last generation? Did I miss the email?
Ok, to be fair, my daughter has only had a handful of experiences to draw from, but each one was enough of a wake-up call to make me question America’s next crop of soon-to-be men. So in my own egotistical way, I thought, “Hey, somebody (me, of course) ought to help these young and foolish idiots out and offer them some helpful dating hints. So in the interest of high schools girls everywhere, especially my daughters, here is the second edition of Dating Tips for Clueless High School guys.
Today we are talking about Dinner Date Etiquette. I know that’s a fancy word for most of you Romantic Wannabes, so I’ll put it another way for you… How to Not Make a Damn Fool of Yourself at a Restaurant. Few things are more important to a girl than how you behave at dinner. We’ve all heard countless stories of otherwise promising young men finally snagging a date with a great girl, only to lose her on account of a Poor Dinner Performance. This just shouldn’t happen.
Here’s a list of Dinner DOs to follow when taking a girl out to a nice restaurant (defined as a place where Chicken McNuggets are NOT served). Print this out and put a copy of it in your skinny jeans pocket if you must. These simple yet critical pointers will help you be the suave and debonair Man-About-Town that you are already think you are (inside your delusional mind).
Pregame: You will want to approach a first date like a Baseball game. You never know how slow and boring it’s going to be, so throw down a few Bud Lites on your way to the restaurant. “Lite” so you won’t be too bloated to eat like a pig, and BONUS, this will ensure that everything you say is riveting and hilarious, ‘cuz every girl loves drunk stories. AmIrite ladies?
Ignore the door and let her take her own coat. Be aware of Women’s Lib, man, and let her do everything for herself. She can open her own door, thankyouverymuch. Women hate old-fashioned gentlemanly behavior. Instead, be a chauvinistic caveman pig, it’s SO MUCH sexier.
Show her who’s boss when it comes to meal size: If your girl orders a steak, then you order surf n’ turf. If she beats you to the surf n’ turf, then you order some lobster with Filet Mignon on top, smothered in Caviar. If she tries to smother hers in Caviar too, then send the chef for some Buffalo. She’ll love your manliness and admire your gluttony.
Pretend it’s your birthday. Not only will your girl be touched that you made time for her on such an important night, but the wait staff will serenade you and give you a FREE dessert! SCORE! Oh, yeah.
Have your ex-girlfriend text you throughout the meal: That’s right, have your ex-girlfriend text you repeatedly throughout the meal so that you appear to be in high demand. After all, you definitely don’t want your date to know that you have nothing better to do with your time. Laugh obnoxiously at each text, and then take Selfies of yourself and send them back and forth to your ex. Girls love it when you totally ignore them on a date.
Regale her with comical stories of your weekend escapades. If you notice that she’s still sitting at the table with you at this point, then now’s the time to put down the I-phone and entertain her with hilarious stories of your endlessly exciting life, like the time you and your buddies dressed up like infants for Halloween, filled up giant plastic baby bottles with Jack Daniels from your Dad’s liquor cabinet, and then crapped in your adult-sized diapers. Oh man, girls really love raging A-holes like you!
Give her ample time to grab the bill. After you showed her up by ordering the most obnoxious dish on the menu (and then some), it’s time to let her show you up by paying for the dinner. Girls can be a bit bashful about reaching for the check – they don’t want to show off and all – so give them 15 minutes, an hour, or as long as it takes. It could take as long as 48 hours, so hang in there. They’ll respect you for it.
Ask her if she wants to go check into Motel 6. As this point, you’ve probably noticed she’s got a scowl of disgust on her face, her eyes are darting around the room looking for the nearest emergency exit, and her right hand has a firm grip on her Tazer Gun. But, hey, you just took her to a high fa’lootin’ restaurant, damnit, so now is the time for you to disregard all social norms, indulge your whims, ignore the consequences of your actions, and try to “close the deal” if you know what I mean. Wink Wink. But if you do this, be prepared for a short trip to the emergency room. And possibly legal action.
OK, you young romantic beasts, all you have to do is follow these Simple-To-Use Guidelines and they are guaranteed to catapult you straight to the top of the High School Popularity Food Chain. Oh yeah, you’re gonna OWN this Dating Thing, dude!
“Hey, you gonna finish that tasty caviar, babe?”