Looking back on this past school year, you might say that there was a “theme” or common thread that tied the whole year together. And that thread was Stupid Boys. As we look back in remembrance, we could fondly dub the 2012-2013 school year as “Clueless Boyfriends on Parade.” Yes, it was the year Amanda turned 16, and the year she started dating. So much anticipation. So much excitement. So much disappointing reality whacking her in the face. There’s one important lesson she’ll never forget… dating AIN’T like “The Bachelorette”. And high school boys are basically bumbling thoughtless goofballs.
Watching from the sidelines this year, I often felt sorry for these poor guys. When it came to dating, it seems they really had no idea what they were doing. I’m pretty sure guys don’t study dating etiquette, or read dating advice, so I doubt they will pause their X-boxes long enough to read this stupid blog. Based on this year’s crop of clueless guys, I can say with confidence that they really have no idea how to behave around a girl. Most guys are out there desperately trying to attract and keep a girlfriend, and failing miserably. So in the interest of high school girls everywhere, especially my daughters, here is some dating tips for guys:
How to Act Around a Girl
1) Girls Hate Arrogance. Arrogance and conceit are giant turn-offs. If she hears you bragging in the lunch room to your buddies about how much iron you pumped this weekend, or how awesome your six-pack is, she just might gag on her peanut butter sandwich. Stop being a pretender. Nobody believes you are as fit, rich, suave, smart or hot as you think you are. You could possibly be some of those things, but your constant crazy-like bragging about it makes everyone think you are a huge liar, or just delusional. You’re not fooling anyone, which brings us to our next point.
2) Girls Love Humility. Girls are attracted to guys who don’t have a sky high opinion of themselves. Confidence is one thing, arrogance is another (see above). A gentleman is open and transparent. He never brags about his awesomeness, he waits until you notice how awesome he is, instead of constantly pointing a red arrow to it. When you compliment him, he responds with humbleness. This is a quality that counts whether you are out on a date with a girl, or whether you are hanging out with your buds. It’s important to be the same person around your friends and girls. Guys have a tendency to “compete” with each other, but be careful that you don’t develop a reputation as an arrogant horse’s behind. Real humility, and openness, will score you big points.
3) Don’t Swear. Potty mouth is a major turn off. If you enjoy serving up a spicy gumbo of curse words for everyone within earshot, then your attraction level just sunk down to zero. You should have stopped doing this when you were twelve. Seriously? It embarrasses her. You may as well wear a T-shirt that says “I’m as dumb as a post” because its shows your lack of intelligence. Stop talking like a hillbilly half-wit. You need to go study your vocabulary in English class to come up with better words to express yourself. Maybe you think that slinging the “F-word” around every five minutes is really sexy and cool. Think again.
4) Don’t Be Rude. Being rude and sanctimonious is disgusting. Everyone within a 5-mile radius of you feels sorry for the person you are disrespecting. You look like an idiot. People deserve respect, whether it’s the girl making your coffee at Starbucks, or the check-out boy at Target. Don’t talk negatively about others to make yourself look good. That game doesn’t work. Despite what your buddies think, rudeness is not cool. Would you want someone to talk to your mother like that? I don’t think so. Be courteous and nice to every person you meet, no matter what their age. Girls take notice when you are kind. And, remember girls talk. And if you are a kind and respectful gentleman, word will get around.
5) Develop a Personality. If you have the natural, easygoing human warmth of a parking meter, then is it any wonder that you are dateless? Your personality is your personal identity, the sum total of your mental, emotional and social characteristics. Are you fun to be with? Are you moody, emotionless and sullen? Do you view mankind in general as basically good, or is everyone out to get you? Are you a regular passenger on the Insanity Train, or grounded in reality? A potential girlfriend is sizing up your personality beginning with the moment she meets you. It will be obvious very quickly whether or not your personality is one she wants to get to know further.
6) Learn to Talk. Being shy and mumbling your words is kinda cute… on a six-year-old. Girls want you to talk to us. In case you haven’t noticed, girls are talkers by nature. They love it when you talk back. Being able to hold an intelligent conversation is super important. If you are on a first date and you can’t think of anything to say, then you’re probably not going to make it to the second date. If your only conversation ideas involve video games or sport events, you are not going to be popular with the Smart Girls. To land a Smart Girl, you have to be smart yourself. This might involve some homework, so brace yourself. Try to find out a little bit about her likes and dislikes before you go on a date, then bring these topics up for discussion. Girls love it when you carry the conversation, it puts them at ease. Eventually, they’ll feel confident enough with you to take over the lead, and then you can relax. But until then, break out the research.
I should mention here that there are some topics that you should absolutely, never ever, I mean never, discuss with a potential girlfriend. If you do, I promise, she will silently judge you.
• Your last girlfriend and how incredibly hot she was
• Your recent heartbreak and how you will never, ever get over it
• Your bathroom habits (this includes all bodily functions, save this talk for your buddies, please)
• Bodily fluids of any kind (this includes vomit, boogers, snot, spit, etc etc)
• Anything that involves killing animals, like hunting, which we find barbaric and caveman-ish
• Your last big, spontaneous wacky funfest where you threw down 12 Budweisers, barfed in a friend’s pool and woke up in a hammock with nothing on but your tighty whities. Oh, please. She doesn’t want to hear any of this. I’m pretty sure that, despite what you might think, your life is not a Katy Perry song.
Regarding topics of conversation, don’t be afraid to get creative. Use universal topics like movies, books, friends you have in common, etc. which should get you talking, or not talking, whatever the case may be.
7) Be a Gentleman. No, chivalry is not dead! Girls notice the small gentlemanly things that you do. Open the car door for her, pull out her chair at a restaurant, hand her the umbrella when it’s raining. Stand up and help her put on her coat. Pretend like she is the Queen of England and treat her as such. And speaking of doors, make it a habit to open all doors for all women and let the lady enter first. It will make you look smooth, and it will make any lady smile. Be a gentleman because it’s a rare quality, and because it’s the little things that matter.
8) Be Her Protector. Ladies like security. We want to know that you can take care of us, even if we are the strong, independent type. We have hidden vulnerabilities that need to be protected. Security is a basic need for us, which is why we prefer guys with good grades, athletic abilities, talent and some kind of ambition or plan about his future. A job doesn’t hurt your credentials either. It shows that you have initiative, work well with others, and that you’re not laying around the house every day eating extra-large bags of Flaming Hot Cheetos.
9) If You Are Going to Ask Her Out, Have The Ability to Pay. We know you are young, so we don’t expect you to have walletfuls of money for expensive dates. But if we’re at the yogurt shop, and you can’t even pay for her $3.50 chocolate soft serve, you’ve just lost 100 points. Find creative ways to impress your girl without spending a lot of money, such as a picnic with sandwiches you’ve made yourself, or long walks through the park. Listen, if you can’t come up with a few bucks for a simple movie, maybe you’re not ready for a girlfriend yet. Harsh, I know. Love you, mean it. Now go mow some lawns or walk your neighbor’s dog if you have to. You’ll earn a few extra bucks and maybe some self respect, too.
10) Have Some Ambition. I know I mentioned this above, but it’s worth a category of its own. For goodness sake, have a plan, man. If it’s April of your senior year, and you don’t have any idea what you are going to do after graduation, then I’m pretty sure you’re careening down Loser’s Street with no brakes. Are you going to college? What are you going to major in? Are you taking the work path? Are you planning on moving to Slackerville? What is your Big Dream? If you don’t have a Big Dream, how are you ever going to make anything of yourself?
Please go get yourself a plan.
Ok, so I hope these tips help. This is just the tip of the iceberg. I have lots more dating tips for clueless high school guys. I might just have to write a book about this. No seriously. After seeing all the ridiculous dating mistakes these poor brainless guys made this past year, I am convinced that a Dating Guidebook for Guys is long overdue and desperately needed! I’d better hurry up, too, because the new school year is coming soon, and lord only knows what kind of idiots the new year will bring!
Do you have any Dating Tips for High School Guys to add? Comment and let me know!