Dear Potheads Who Keep Trying to Date My Daughter:
I know exactly who you are. In fact, you haven’t changed that much since I was in high school in the 1980s. Except for maybe the sophistication of your gaming console, you are still an unemployed, socially inept addict hanging out in your parent’s dark-paneled basement playing video games and eating Nacho Doritos out of the bag with one hand and lazily scratching your unshowered butt with the other. Nope, things haven’t changed a bit.
I would like to directly address all of you stoners at my daughters’ high school. But first let me state that I really don’t care what you do with your own time. Go ahead and smoke until all of your brain cells die a slow, painful death. I don’t care. But what I DO care about is you, and the rest of your stoner group, hanging around my 16-year-old daughter and begging her to go out with you. NO. Just no. Never going to happen. You need to wake up from your smoky purple haze and realize that nice girls don’t go for potheads. She knows that you are headed for Loserville where potheads flip burgers for minimum wage, get raided for growing marijuana plants in their garage, and end up in the state penitentiary.
I would like for you to stop telling her that she needs to “try this awesome weed, babe!” The basis of your brilliant argument is that “it’s OK, everyone is doing it.” Really? Like that one hasn’t been used since time began. How original. The problem is that I might be starting to believe this because she keeps running into one guy after another who turns out to be a stoner. She has absolutely no interest in dating an addict. Do you honestly have nothing better to do with your life?
Almost every night, Emily tells me about some new guy she met at school who starts texting her and following her around. A couple of days later, she finds out that, disappointingly, he’s a druggie. Red flag. Alarm bells. Time to initiate the Dump Sequence. That’s like 10 guys in row this year. It’s really sad that these dudes feel the need to fill their time with reefers and bongs instead of books and studying and trying to make something of themselves in the future.
So, my little friends, I’ve had to counteract your lies about pot with actual facts. Here is what I’ve told both of my daughters about this drug:
- LIE: “Dude, it’s like legal and stuff in Colorado and Washington, so it can’t be bad for you.” TRUTH: That doesn’t mean it’s good for you just because they have legalized it in some states. Cigarettes are legal in every state yet the medical community admits that cigarettes causes cancer and death. Tobacco is a legal substance that is known to kill. Although marijuana may be legal and decriminalized in some states, it’s still illegal in all states for anyone under 21 and illegal in my state. Law enforcement knows who the dealers are in any given community, and they will come bust down your door and arrest you when you least expect it. When you buy some pot, you are supporting a vast illegal import network consisting of some really bad dudes that are worse than any mobster movie you’ve ever seen. Do you really want to dabble in that game? An arrest can cause a student to lose her spot on a sports team, get expelled from school, forfeit a college scholarship or require entering an outpatient drug rehab program. But here’s the most important thing – The law doesn’t matter. Just don’t use any substance that alters your mind and affects your ability to make wise decisions. And don’t hang out with anyone who does. You could be guilty by association if there is a raid. That is why my daughter is never going to go anywhere with you, Mr. Weedlover.
- LIE: “It’s safer than alcohol and tobacco and it doesn’t really affect me.” TRUTH: Really? Did you know that pot is a lot stronger than when Boomers and Gen X people tried it. According to NIDA, concentrations of THC, the chemical in marijuana which provides the ‘high,” averaged 14.5 percent in 2012, compared to around 4 percent in the 1980s. It’s stronger, more dangerous and unregulated, unlike alcohol and tobacco. God help you if you get a “bad batch”. If you say that it doesn’t affect you, then you must be superhuman, dude. You are also among the most dangerous of drug users because your brain is so messed up that you think you can go around doing normal things like driving, which puts the rest of us in serious danger. Pot is a gateway drug. It doesn’t take long to get addicted to the high, and very soon, the high isn’t high enough for you anymore. You move on to much more dangerous drugs in an effort to stay as high as a kite.
- LIE: “It doesn’t hurt my mind, I’m still just as smart.” TRUTH: Really? According to a 25-year, longitudinal study released in 2013 by NIDA, participants who were dependent on marijuana before age 18 lost an average of eight IQ points between childhood and age 38. Health experts tell us that the human brain is still developing well past age 20. The teen years are NOT the time to be putting things into your brain. It will kill brain cells that will never re-grow. Weed is proven to alter the clarity of your thought process and your ability to make a decision. It gives you a false sense of safety which may make you do things like jump off roofs or have unprotected sex. It also alters your memory process and can affect your ability to study and pass tests. It’s not just a stereotype that stoners make poor grades. They actually do, which puts them on the fast track to Loserville. And, yes, alcohol abuse does the same thing.
- LIE: “Lots of celebrities smoke pot and they’re, like, successful and stuff.” TRUTH: Ok, so, because celebrities like Seth Rogen, Miley Cyrus and Justin Beiber get away with lighting up and laughing about it, that makes it cool and awesome, right? These celebrities have teams of lawyers to bail them out of any situation, should it arise. I’m guessing you don’t have two nickels in your bank account, right? This means, if you get caught, you are going straight to jail, plus some heavy fines which will take you an entire lifetime of burger flipping to pay off because you now have zero chance of landing a real job with your criminal record. Sounds like a glamorous life, right?
So, little smoker boys, I’m glad we had this talk. You really should stop smoking that shit because, if you don’t, a few years from now you will be a paranoid, disillusioned street person painting chalk pictures on the sidewalk while people throw dimes into your dirty baseball cap so that you can feed your 13 kids. Oh, and also, I want you to stop telling my daughter that “everyone is doing it, and you should too.” You can also stop telling her that she ought to go out with you. She’s way too smart for that because her brain cells are still operating in an unaltered state. Thanks, but no thanks.
Despite the recent parade of stoners like yourself, I still believe there are smart guys out there who care about the state of their minds and their futures. Sadly, they are rare, like a needle in a haystack, but she’s going to keep looking, thankyouverymuch. Meanwhile, enjoy your mommy’s dank basement, your bong and your stale Doritos because that’s probably as good as your life is ever going to get.
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