5 Parenting Game Apps That Will Never Make It To Your Phone by Cindy Haney
Lately, I’ve been obsessed with playing games on my phone, especially Candy Crush. Seriously, have you played this thing? It’s addictive. And, weirdly, I can’t stop thinking about fruit-flavored candy. Hmmph. Ever since I got my first smart phone a few months ago (yes, I’m very, very late to the party), I love wasting ridiculous amounts of time on Game Apps when I’m supposed to be doing something else, like cooking the crappy dinner no one appreciates or folding someone else’s underwear or possibly working. You might call it a time-waster, but I call it an escape from the stupid mundane stuff that I don’t want to do.
Maybe it’s just me, but after cruising through the App Store on my phone a few thousand times, there really doesn’t seem to be a whole lot of Apps designed for parents. How about some games based on Reality Parenting? We have Reality TV, so why not Reality Apps?
So I decided to invent some new Apps for the millions of moms out there who could a use a hand, and a diversion, when it comes to parenting. And since I have two teen-aged girls, let’s focus in on that for these Apps. How hard can it be to come up with new Apps? This is going to be FUN! Ok, I found it really is hard, therefore I’m fairly certain you’re never going to see these on your phone. Don’t hold your breath, people.
CANDY ASS SAGA
Yum! Yum! Hey, depressed moms, it’s a race against the clock to see how much junk food and processed sugar you can stuff into your face before your butt explodes. Each new level is another new year of poor eating, and with each new level, your ass gets a little bit bigger. You get bonus points for never leaving the couch and forsaking all forms of exercise. But you have to HURRY! Mr. Diabetes is chasing you, so have to eat as much as possible before he catches you and stabs you in the ass with an insulin needle. Good Luck!
Try your hand at Angry Mom®, the new game brought to you by the makers of Snarky Teenager® and Words with Sarcasm®. Hurl creative insults at your teenager with ever-increasing intensity until your anger reaches new levels of mental illness. But be careful! You have to avoid inevitable landmines such as sweet pleading baby voices, doe eyes, crocodile tears and seemingly sincere letters of apology. If you can successfully avoid these, you can maintain your level of screaming anger and irrational behavior which will increase your Powers to reach the ultimate level of Bitchiness. Muh-ha-ha-ha!!
Talk about a time crunch! Race through the maze of your hellish workday, weave through 5 o’clock traffic, pick up your non-driving teens from various places and then… oh shit! You forgot to plan for dinner! Never fear, Dinner Rush, is here! Brought to you by The Tired Gourmet®, players are presented with a maze of fast food restaurants, and then it’s a race against the clock to assemble an edible dinner before your looming 9:00 bedtime. But watch out, though! Obstacles such as last minute 14-page essays due the next day, Geometry homework that doesn’t make sense even to Einstein, and emergency late night laundry (oh my god, I HAVE to have those jeans tomorrow) are determined to ruin your evening. Throw caution to the wind and don’t even think about nutritional value! Who cares! As long they eat something, right? Good luck, Mom Chefs!
And speaking of non-driving teens, it’s about damn time your teen starts driving herself around, amIrite? This is a game for parents with nerves of steel, the patience of Job, and a permanent prescription for Valium. Yes, you’ll have to leave your anxiety at the door as you climb into the Passenger Seat of Death and hand your keys over to your not-overly-thrilled teen. As the driving simulation game begins, your stress levels will go through the roof. Your driving training will include all kinds of obstacles to avoid such as innocent pedestrians, hidden stop signs, emergency text messages from hot guys, and road-crossing squirrels. The trick is to avoid screaming like a maniac every 5 seconds and causing an inevitable metal-twisting crash. If you make it to the second level, congratulations, you’re still alive. Now get out of the car immediately and run to the nearest bus stop.
MALL MONEY BLITZ
Cha-Ching! Hear that? That’s the sound of money leaving your bank account at an impressive rate of speed. It’s a game of stamina, smarts and clever manipulation. Only, surprise! You’re the victim and your teen daughter is the clever manipulator. First, she talks you into going to the Mall. Big mistake, stupid parent. In the next level, you get trapped in the dressing room of Forever 21. Uh oh! There’s no way out! What? There’s a big Homecoming dance coming up? Shit, you’re going to be here all day. And, damn, that outfit really does look awesome on her! Before you know it, your powers of resistance are all used up, plus your feet hurt. If you’re not careful, you’ll spend it ALL, just to get out of that mall. Spoiler Alert: Moms, there’s NO WAY in hell you can win this one.
I told you this was going to be fun! Anybody know any App Game Creators? Call them up and tell them we have some really BIG SELLIN’ game ideas for them. Take that, Candy Crush!