Lately, I’ve been spending a disturbing amount of time in front of my mirror plucking gray hairs from my temples. Every day there seems to be a few more of those little bastards than there were the day before. My bathroom mirror also likes to remind me about the ever-growing size of my gargantuan butt. I’m getting close to the end of my 40s, and as I look back on this decade of my life, I realize that there were many events that happened that, despite my best efforts, I couldn’t avoid.
So don’t even try to fight it, sister. These things are coming for you. So if you’re not there yet, then I can tell you with a certain amount of authority exactly what you can look forward to.
13 things that will happen to you in your 40s:
- You will ask yourself every single day of your life why you are still working at the same shitty, low-paying job. You will fantasize about throwing a curse-filled tantrum in your bosses’ face and quitting on the spot, then leaving in a blaze of glory. But then you remember that you have bills piling up on the kitchen table.
- You will put on weight. You will go a strict diet. Then you will join a gym, where you will gain even more weight. Then you will quit the gym, and proceed to gain even more weight. Then you will re-join your gym. You will repeat this cycle at least seven times in this decade.
- A “party” in your 40s means something totally different than it did in your 20s. If you are going to a party now, it usually involves a trip to Toys ‘R Us, rainbow wrapping paper, screaming little kids and a bottle of Excederin headache medicine.
- Binge-watching a TV show while binge-eating is the only entertainment you can afford. Movies worth watching can no longer be found. In my neighborhood, they closed all of the Blockbuster Video Stores. All we are left with now is NetFlix and it really, really sucks. Hey NetFlix, why don’t you offer some movies made in the last decade that people have actually have heard of? You really suck, NetFlix.
- You will suddenly realize that you look like every other middle-aged crabby old fart on the street. Everywhere you go, people will remark how beautiful your daughters are. But no one will mention how beautiful you are. Ever again. Because you aren’t anymore. Not even your husband will say this to you. My husband wouldn’t even notice if I put on nothing but fishnet stockings and a lampshade and paraded up and down my street.
- “No” will get easier and easier to say. To everyone. Especially to your teenagers.
- You will spend 90% of your weekends, and your paycheck, at Forever 21. You will seriously consider writing the CEO of the company to ask him to put Mom Chairs outside the dressing rooms because you are sick to death of sitting on the floor. And, P.S. Mr. CEO, cut the crap with the super-loud, head bangin’ music. I can’t hear myself being depressed.
- You no longer give a rat’s ass whether or not someone you know likes you or not. You are now too old and too tired to care anymore. Besides, you hate everyone, especially that perky blonde Botox-ed PTA president. “Hey Bambi, you can bite me.”
- The most exciting thing you will buy in this decade is a new Washer and Dryer. You will research the shit out of it, like you did when you bought your first car in your 20s. You will be so excited when they deliver it that you might actually pee in your pants a little. Which is OK, because that awesome machine will wash that pee right outta’ there. I bought a new set recently, and that pair of freakin’ technological awesomeness has changed my life. You moms know exactly what I mean.
- You will start thinking about making up a last Will and Testament and wonder why you haven’t done that already. After all, let’s face it, you are ridiculously unhealthy and could kick the bucket at any time. Then you remember that you don’t own a single piece of valuable property worth over 20 bucks. Never mind about that Will.
- On a regular basis, you will stay up all night crying into your pillow because you can’t stop thinking about how you are going to pay for college. Poor planning, bad financial decisions and soul-crushing regret will make you a sleepless zombie for this entire decade.
- One day you will make a list and realize you have over 100 reasons to go see a doctor. Weird things are happening with your body…. You start seeing suspicious moles and skin bumps in oddball places, little black hairs start popping out of your face where they don’t belong, and strange pains start happening that you can’t even describe. So you start complaining about all your aches and pains like your grandmother used to do, and then people inexplicably stop inviting you over. WebMD is your favorite website.
- Everyone you knew in high school and college has already gotten divorced… even the couples you thought would stay together forever. You often eye your spouse with suspicion when he’s not looking and wonder what he’s planning and why in the world he’s still around to put up with your endless bullcrap.
Well, I have a couple more years to enjoy this terrible decade. I hear that the 50s are going to be much easier. Why? Because it’s supposed to be the Era of Self-Acceptance. Basically everything that you tried to change in your 40s will suddenly become totally OK with you. I hope that’s true. But right now, I have to go buy some hair dye and re-join the gym.