I Refuse to Take Any More of Your Stupid Drugs by Cindy Haney
Now that it is a brand new year, we should all resolve to take better care of ourselves, which includes going to the doctor. Especially us harried working moms who never seem to have enough time to enjoy a trip to the hair salon, nail salon, gynecologist, or even a trip to the bathroom, for that matter. But last week, I had to make time to go to my family doctor.
Actually, my family doctor makes me show up every 3 months whether I want to or not. (I hate her.) They take a gallon’s worth of blood from me every time I go, in a desperate attempt to discover yet ONE MORE chronic illness that they can treat me for. It’s called job security, people. If they can keep me sick, they get to keep their job. I don’t know if it’s my imagination or not, but those young nurses seemed to be whispering behind my back a little more than usual this week. I think the advent of Obamacare has the heathcare profession in a frightened tizzy.
I am convinced that the Big Pharmaceutical Companies are what really keep these small town doctors’ offices going. I think the Marketing Execs have issued monthly quotas to these doctors. “OK, docs, for 2014, you will be required to find ten new chronic illnesses for every patient that walks in your door. Each new illness will require a minimum of 5 long-term prescription drugs to treat them.” I swear, this is going on. Someone should call Geraldo or Dianne Sawyer and do an investigation.
Every time I walk into that doctor’s office, she asks me the same barrage of questions, hoping to find some new symptoms to treat. “I feel fine, by the way, yes, I’m great. No, I do not feel sick. No really, I feel great. No, AGAIN, I do not want a new drug, seriously stop asking, but thanks anyway.”
Lately, she’s been trying to push a new cholesterol drug on me. I remind her that I don’t have the “bad” numbers to warrant needing a cholesterol drug, but she keeps pushing it anyway. This has been going on for months. And, every time, I refuse. Yes, I’m fat, but just because I’m fat doesn’t mean I need a cholesterol drug. Let’s face it, when fat people walk into their offices, they hear “Cha-CHING!” and start seeing dollar signs.
I refuse to take any more drugs than I ‘m already taking. I’m still pissed about having to take those, so I’ll be damned if I’m taking any more. Plus, I’m not stupid, I did my research. I read the fine print on the internet for this drug that she keeps trying to push. So here it is below. I want YOU to read it and then tell me if you would take this poision!!!
Announcing the New Prescription Drug AddicXium
AddicXium is a prescription medication for the treatment of UAin’tReallySickOChondria.
UAin’tReallySickOChondria is a serious medical condition. Symptoms include the strong insistence from your health care provider that you are, in fact, sick, even if you experience no symptoms whatsoever. This is a grave condition created and propagated by your doctor in effort to further finance his/her medical practice. Your imaginary symptoms are further supported and promoted by the marketing executives of BigPharmaceuticorp and may also include your blind and ill-informed willingness to take absolutely any medication your doctor many randomly prescribe to you.
AddicXium is not for everyone. Patients who are pregnant, nursing, or may become pregnant or who are the result of a pregnancy should not use AddicXium. This product has not been tested on actual Live Humans, but we did test it on an African Fruit Fly once. Do not take AddicXium if you have experienced an allergic reaction to AddicXium or any other drug that is guaranteed to cause a lifetime of financial problems while trying to afford this drug. Also, do not take AddicXium if you are averse to addiction, death, or other adverse side effects. Call your doctor, if she’s ever actually IN the office, to find out if AddicXium is right for you.
AddicXium is probably not safe and effective even when taken as directed. Side effects have been reported and may include upset stomach, perpetually empty wallet, flatulence, drowsiness, drunkenness, depression, uncontrollable screaming, rashes, insomnia, nervous tics, tourette’s outbursts, confusion, numbness of any kind of feelings whatsoever, sensitivity to light and darkness, night terrors, day terrors, feelings of wellness followed by feelings of impending death, paranoia, delusions of grandeur, hallucinations, especially hallucinations involving rainbows and leprechauns, and last but not least, an unusually high probability of death. These side effects are mild to moderate and may or may not increase over time. We don’t actually know. If you experience any of these side effects, stop whining and tough it out, you big sissy. Whatever you do, do not ever stop taking AddicXium, even you are directed to by your doctor to do so, because stopping AddicXium may cause a sudden drop in blood flow to your vital organs, and more importantly, may cause a dangerous and irreversible drop in BigPharmaceuticorp’s profit margins.
Serious side effects associated with AddicXium are rare because when serious side effects are reported to BigPharmaceuticorp, we bury them in a black filing cabinet in the basement and announce that they were caused by something you ate instead. Rarely, if ever, do we report such side effects to the FDA, which rarely, if ever, give a crap even if we do. If you develop an addiction to AddicXium, then the marketing executives at BigPharmaceuticorp will throw a large party in your honor, because that is exactly what we hope will happen. Duh. If you experience a sudden loss of consciousness or the cessation of all vital signs, stop taking AddicXium immediately and call your doctor.
See? I made the right decision, didn’t I? I think I’ll stay alive a little while longer, thankyouverymuch. You can keep your stupid prescriptions and I’ll keep my slightly elevated cholesterol. Plus, I’m going to lose a bunch of weight soon, so that ought to really piss my doctor off. HA!