Aiming Low: Slacker Resolutions for 2014 by Cindy Haney
I quit making New Year’s Resolutions years ago. I finally learned that making lofty goals for myself in January always ends badly by February, in the form of crushing disappointment followed by months of semi-depression. Oh sure, it’s a brand new year, so everything is supposed to feel shiny and new and different. Maybe it’s the end of the holiday insanity that brings about this psychological shift, but let’s be honest with ourselves: it’s still the same ol’ bullcrap as last year, only with a new date slapped on to it.
It’s the same me doing the same things in the same places. Do you ever feel like you’re on some kind of “repeat cycle”? Yet, we are supposed to feel a giddy sense of hope sprinkled with newness blowing in the winter breeze. Well, all I feel is a sense of “Good Riddance”. Dear 2013: So long, sucka. I am SO done with you.
I am annoyed by these sweeping, change-all, overly positive resolutions that are popping up all over social media right now. Barf-O. “2014 is gonna be the BEST YEAR OF MY LIFE” and “I’m going to change everything I’ve ever done wrong EVER and become the best SELF I can be!” I want to punch you in the head right now. Mostly because you probably WILL reach your goals while I am busy lying on my couch eating Blue Bell. This is the kind of slacker that I am.
I used to be a “You-Can-Do-It! Cheerleader”, but after years of beating myself up over all of my failures, I’ve come to accept a few things. Maybe it’s my age. At 47, I now realize that I’m never going to be high-school skinny again. Also, at this point, it’s too late to save money for college. Also, I probably won’t save any money ever. Also, I’m probably going to get even grumpier this year, if that’s even possible.
So here’s my basic Catch-All Resolution for 2014: I just hope I suck less than I do right now.
You might say, “Well, that’s very slacker of you. You can’t just write one basic resolution and be done with it!”
Ok, then, I’ll make a list.
Ten Get-Real Resolutions for Slacker Moms
1) Be Slightly Less Late. I resolve to stop getting up 15 minutes before I have to leave to get my kids to school and my ass to work. This does not work, and yet I keep doing it. Every day is a mad dash through hell trying to get out the door. Get out of bed earlier, idiot!!
2) Stop Eating Dessert Every Single Night. Why do I do this? Am I ten years old? Is there any wonder why my ass is the size of an aircraft carrier. Just STOP IT. Work with me, here!
3) Stop Watching Reality Music Shows. Seriously. Why do I feel like I need to watch these bearded indie balladeers crooning badly? American Idol jumped the shark years ago, and yet I sit there and waste countless hours watching this crap. Get off the couch and do something productive, you loser.
4) Stop Wishing You Had A Maid. Hey, maybe I’ll try cleaning the tubs and commodes once in a while this year, instead of waiting for the imaginary maid to show up. Once again with emphasis: AIN’T GOT NO MAID.
5) Try to Avoid Getting Another Chronic Ailment. I think you’ve managed to accumulate way more than your share of chronic illnesses: Pre-Diabetes, High Blood Pressure, Allergies and Asthma, just to name a few. Save some diseases for other people, Miss Greedy.
6) Go to The Gym Every Once in A While. And while you are there, try not to gawk at the fabulously bouncy boobs and tiny asses of all the other women your age. And whatever you, do NOT look at your body in the wall-sized mirrors. You don’t want to cry in public.
7) More Salads, Less Grand Buffet at Dennys. ‘Nough said on this one. M’kay?
8) Dial Down the Screaming. Resolve to scream slightly less this year. Nobody enjoys Psychotic Mental Patient Mom. Maybe start leaving sarcastic sticky notes all over the house instead. At least it would be a much quieter way to manipulate your teenagers and your husband.
9) Stop Blaming Obama for Your Lack of Money. OK, ranting and raging against the current Political Machine DOES make me feel better, but it’s not going give me back the house I lost or in ANY WAY pad my bank account, so what good is it? Our personal money crisis might possibly be my fault instead. Or more likely my husband’s. I don’t know… I’m looking into it.
10) Stop Wishing Your Teenagers Would Start Acting Like Adults. Ok, they do act like toddlers in a really bad mood all the time. They never clean up after themselves, they don’t understand the concept of the dishwasher, and they’d rather wear dirty clothes than bother with learning how to do laundry. Realize that they are still young girls in almost-adult bodies, and try to appreciate the children that they still are, because you only have a few more years left to enjoy them. Even if they are messy little pigs.
Well, that ought to do it for those of us who live in Slackerville. If you live here too, then feel free to adopt these very un-lofty goals for 2014. Here’s hoping I can move toward a Generally Less Sucky Person this year.
Rah-Rah, YAY for the new and improved me in 2014!! Happy New Year, everyone.