Dear Parents of My Daughter’s Best Friend:
As you know, I consider your daughter just like my third daughter. She’s been hanging around my house since almost as long as I can remember, and eating my food and stuff, so imagine my surprise and delight when she declared to my daughter, “you have the most awesome parents.”
Now in case you haven’t heard this news yet, I think you should know that we are indeed awesome. I wanted you let you know about our Awesomeness Status, so you should probably check your texts more often, because I sent you like thirty. Unfortunately, my own two daughters are lagging a little behind in reaching this particularly astute and highly accurate conclusion. But they’ll come around, I’m sure.
Now I know this must be a hard time for you, realizing that you’re not the most awesome parents in the world, but you should take solace in knowing that your daughter didn’t say you weren’t awesome, she merely stated that you weren’t “the most awesome” because, obviously, that position is already taken by my husband and me. As far as I know, you might very well occupy the second place position, although your daughter never said this specifically. Therefore, there’s no reason to believe that you are not at least partially awesome.
If I were in your difficult and un-awesome situation, I would choose, for my own sanity, to interpret her comment as more of a referendum on our awesomeness and not necessarily a condemnation of your lack thereof. At least that’s what I’d do. Hey listen, let’s not make too big a deal out of this because being the most awesome parents isn’t a competition, right? There’s really no point in beating yourself up over this whole thing. But if you choose to do so, please let us know, because it would mean a great deal to us.
More advice? You really shouldn’t waste too much time wondering where you went wrong because it’s more of a commentary on where my husband and I went right. It might make you feel better to know that the games were never fair to begin with. You see, my husband and I were pretty awesome early on. You didn’t know us back in the day, so you’ll just have to take my word for it. Also, your daughter’s. Also, I can give you a reference sheet of people who can vouch for our awesomeness. Believe me, if you ever hung out with us, you would discover what all the fuss is about.
Don’t spend too much time envying us, because that’s not awesome, and you don’t want to bring down your awesomeness score any further than it already is, amIrite? You should know that our awesomeness was not accidental but wrought through great personal sacrifice and pre-planning.
It all started way before our children were born. After our wedding day, we had a company meeting to decide what kind of parents we wanted to be. We had to choose between being the Most Awesome Parents on the Block or the Highly Disciplinary Parents with Well Behaved Kids, because we didn’t have the attention span or the physical energy for both. Obviously, we’ve never regretted the Awesomeness choice, and now, with your daughter’s latest comment, we are finally reaping our just rewards.
Don’t give up, though. There are plenty of other superlatives besides “awesome” available and many more opportunities to ace another category of parenting. Maybe next time my daughter is hanging out at your house she might just say “You have the quietest parents,” or “You have the shortest parents” or something like that.
Oh sure, you probably know from eavesdropping on their conversations at your house, that my own daughter often says “My parents are such dorks” or “My parents are embarrassing idiots”. You should in no way let this diminish your opinion of us as awesome. The official rulebook, in article 22, section D, states that just because your own kids think you are dorks, it’s officially more important what their friends think. (So take THAT, my biological spawns!) Plus, I can guarantee you that by the time my daughters are 22, they will realize that we are, and always were, AWESOME.
Let us know if there’s anything we can do to help you through this difficult time. Don’t be afraid to ask us for more advice, especially about how to raise your kids to be awesome, and don’t be surprised if that advice turns out to be the most awesome advice you’ve ever heard.
Love, Mr. and Mrs. Awesome