Tweet-Farting Celebrities by Cindy Haney
Ok, readers, it’s time for today’s episode of “Things That Piss Me Off.” Today, we’re talking about Whiny Pinheaded Celebrities and their Moronic Musings.
I love how today’s overindulged, self-absorbed celebrities think we, the general public, give a rat’s rear-end about their constant Tweet-Farting streams of consciousness. I don’t know about you, but I get up every morning and say to the Tweet and Facebook Vomiting universe, “Oh yes, please, barf upon us another one of your Gems of Wisdom so that we go on trudging through our lowly lives of middle-class mediocrity.”
Isn’t it scary that so many teenagers admire and look up to these idiots? Just for fun, let’s look at some of the things these famous Farticuses have actually said, just so they can display their Six Shades of Stupid for the whole internet world to enjoy.
ALIAS: Hannah Hillbilly turned Streetwalker for Hire
Subject: On Tweeting Pictures of Herself
“We were too nice to the world and gave them too much insight—into my life and my puppies and my house—and I just don’t feel they get that privilege any more.”
Comment from Your Public: Oh gawd, NO! I don’t get that privilege anymore? Cross your heart, ya’ll? You won’t share intimate details of your latest ass tat or your trailer park life? No suggestive photos of you mostly naked in your latest auto-tuned music video? I’m gonna hold you to that promise, Smiley. How will I go on? I guess I’ll try to mask my pain as best as I can.
ALIAS: Southern Fried Stupid with a Side of Grits
“Every night, I have to read a book, so that my mind will stop thinking about things that I stress about.”
Comment from Your Public: You know how to read? Is it Dr. Suess’s “Horton Hears a Ho?” I’m sure being a celebrity is hard,ya’ll! THINGS I STRESS ABOUT by Britney Jean Spears: 1. Lip-synching is SO HARD. 2. I can’t seem to find time to schedule my next mental breakdown. 3.What’s a bra? 4.Why did Simon Cowell fire me? 5.Why doesn’t Lady Gaga want to do a duet with me?
ALIAS: Rehabbing Jailbird Lesbo Skank
“Marriage is a big deal, but who’s to say I’m not going to pull a ‘Vegas’ and get married just to get married and see what it’s like for a minute?”
Comment from Your Public: First of all, Britney already did that, so, duh, so not original. Secondly, what happens in Vegas ought to stay in your tiny brain, so please don’t share. And third of all, you will certainly make a wonderful wife, as soon as you take a break from your court-ordered jail time, promoting your lesbian agenda, and mixing car accidents with crack cocaine.
ALIAS: Boobalicious Overdemanding Diva
“I can’t put the same type of pressure on myself about being a mom as I do about making a song.”
Comment from Your Public: Moms everywhere just screamed, “Oh NO she di’int! Yeah, because being a mom just means that you are responsible for taking care of another human being. But recording a Pop Song, DAMN, now that’s important stuff! Your next, whiny, screeching love ballad might reach Number One on iTunes for a whole day before your arch-nemesis Nikki Minaj releases a music video where sharp objects are shooting out of her Barbie-clad Boobs.
Is it my imagination, or do young celebrities, in particular, seem to be spiraling out of control at break-neck speed? One minute, they’re disgustingly cute and successful Nickelodeon or Disney stars, adored by millions of tweens and the next minute they’re gender-confused ass clowns or baggy panted, coke-snorting delinquents. Just take a look at what is happening to Amanda Bynes and Justin Bieber. What the heck is going in our society?
This week, the tragic death of Glee star Corey Monteith got me thinking about the power of media celebrities and their influence on teenagers. Not that I haven’t worried about it before…a lot. My teens love that show, Glee, and they had no idea that he was an addict. Sadly, Monteith is just another in a long line of celebrities found dead in lonely hotel rooms from drug overdoses…Whitney Houston, Amy Winehouse, Heath Ledger, Brittany Murphy, Michael Jackson and Anna Nicole Smith. So sad. It’s equally sad that we, as a society, admire these people like they were Greek Gods. Maybe the real problem is our choice of heros.
My two teen-aged daughters are at a particularly vulnerable age right now, where celebrities are admired, adored and emulated. When they see a celebrity that they admire in Seventeen Magazine, for instance, they want to wear what they wear, buy the makeup that they buy, and go on the diets that they go on. Since we are living in the technology age, they are bombarded by media images in the form of internet sites, movies, TV, magazine covers, and more, all screaming for their attention with images of these tacky, self-inflated moronic celebrities. Every day, these outlets showcase their ridiculous lives of constant partying, short-term relationships, cheating, drugs and more, all making a mockery of old-fashioned, out-of-style family values. After all, who doesn’t want to be destructively thin, rich and gorgeous, right? But at what price?
I have always made sure that my daughters understand that what they see in the media isn’t real. They know what Photo-shopped bodies look like and they know that celebrity lifestyles are impossible and unattainable. But have I done enough to warn them about the dangers of celebrity worship? Probably not.
Have I done enough to keep them from wishing they had the thighs of Selena Gomez or the hair of Taylor Swift? Probably not. Have I done enough to help them foster a healthy body image, based on a real people? Probably not, but I desperately hope so. It’s an ongoing conversation in my house and an ongoing battle to combat the confusing messages of the media.
So far, my girls are pretty level-headed. They know how to think critically and they know that celebrities are often flawed human beings, just like everyone else. I’m not saying that they are 100% immune to the influences of media messages. No one is. But I do believe a mom’s voice, though small in comparison, still packs a powerful punch. At least I hope it does. We just have to keep talking above all the noise.