Dear Humans Who Live in My House:
I believe it’s high time we get a few communication issues straight between us. First of all, pardon me, but I am highly offended. Please note that I have been your faithful and loving family pet for nine years so far, and you don’t even have the common decency to mention my existence in your dumb Blog. Well, how dare you.
I happen to be descended from ancient feline Egyptian royalty, which is why I prance around here like the King that I am. I’ll have you know that I am way more intelligent than you give me credit for. I’ve even taught myself how to type this letter in Microsoft Office Word ’07. How, you ask? By lounging in Emily’s lap for 8 hours a day while she surfs the net. HA! And you thought I was napping! (Ok, maybe I was 99% of the time, but that’s beside the point).
So anyway, my rude and disrespectful humans, it’s time to teach you a few things about cat behavior, because all of my efforts thus far do not seem to penetrate your thick and freakishly large skulls. Keep in mind that I may be an irresistibly cute and cuddly kitty cat, but I can assure you that I can and do have selfish, ulterior motives behind every calculated move I make. Oh, yes, my tall friends, do not be fooled by my adorable fluffy-wuffy face. This face is specifically designed to manipulate you into doing my evil bidding whenever I so choose.
It’s time to let the cat out of the bag, and reveal Seven Secrets behind our sometimes quirky behavior. It’s for your own good, so that you humankind can continue to exist to serve our every need.
- It’s Not Your Imagination. I AM screaming like a Baby Human. Like many other cats out there, I happen to be very diverse and talented in the Vocal department. I have hundreds of vocalizations that say lots of different things such as “Pet me, I’m bored”, “Feed me, I’m starving here!” or “I just took a poop, go clean it up now!” I can even imitate a whiny, crying baby at a similar vocal frequency. I know how to use my German-style subliminal messages to get you to do my bidding. Pure genius. I’m like a living stereo sound board that’s able to fine tune the pitches and tones of my meows, in an effort to irritate the crap out of you at the most inconvenient times possible, such as at 3:30 in the morning on a work night, which leads me to the next one.
- It’s True, I Like to PAR-TAY at Night. “Oh, I love the Night Life, I like to Boogie…” You think I’m sleeping when you are. Ha! Boy, you really are as dumb as you look. Why do you think we sleep like a rock on your cozy couch 18 hours a day while you are gone? Duh, so we can work up the energy to Get Our Freak On when the moon comes out. Yes, this cute little kitty turns into a Disco Werewolf at night. While you’re drooling on your pillow, I’m busy zooming up and down the stairs, ripping down the hallway, batting pencils off the table, hissing at ignorant squirrels and flexing my muscles while making flirty love noises at the Hot Young Thangs that visit my living room window at night. That’s right, don’t act like you don’t wish it was YOU par-taying instead of me, Sucka!
- Phew! I Think You Stink. No really. You think I’m such a clean animal, don’t you? I’m always licking my fur and grooming myself, right? I must really be a clean freak! Not really. Sure, I love it when you pet me, but only when I feel like it, not when it’s your idea. I like my own scent way better than yours, which is why I have to lick myself a lot after you pet me to get rid of your terrible, funky human stench. I know it’s rude, but hey, dude, you smell! It’s kinda like if you hugged your Mom, and then she immediately ran down the hall to take a shower. Ha, sorry man, deal with it.
- Yes, I Am Bi-Polar. Have you ever noticed how I can snuggle for a long time like a contented stuffed animal in your lap, but then all of sudden jump up, try to rip your face off with my evil fangs, and then run to the nearest corner and hide? I can’t explain my Dr. Jeckle/Mr. Hyde complex. I am a moody creature with a permanent case of malice and discontent. It’s not always rainbows and fluffy kittens, people. Back off! I need my ME-TIME.
- I Leave My Poop Uncovered to Insult You. Sometimes you just piss me off. Oh, sure, I know that one of the major perks of owning a cat over, say a filthy old dog, is that all cats neatly deposit their waste into nice little litter boxes, and then neatly bury the evidence, so it works out nicely for you, right? But contrary to what you dumb humans thinks, we don’t do this because of our obsessive-compulsive cleanliness. We do this because, back in the dark ages before we cats became the elegant, domesticated animals that we are today, we used to bury our waste to avoid being detected by larger, more threatening predators. We did this to avoid offending those in charge. So yes, I do intentionally leave my smelly crap uncovered in annoying places on purpose, such as inside your shoe or on your pillowcase, just to get back at you. It’s a territorial thing, so, yes, I’m sending you a message, I am El Presidente around here, not you. Logically, it kinda makes sense… if burying my poop is sign that I fear a larger animal, then leaving it uncovered is my passive-aggressive gift to you which says, “No one in this house is bad-ass enough to mess with me. Enjoy my crap.”
- You Really Suck At Hunting, so Let Me Help You Out. We cats just love murder. Birds. Mice. Lizards. Your exposed ankles. Whatever. Killing is lots of fun. We are one of the few animal species left on earth that actually kill for the fun of it. If you want to show us a good time, just let us out of the back patio late at night and I’ll hunt you down a nice fresh kill and set it at your feet, just to show you we’re still friends after I pooped on your pillow and all. I’m pretty sure you’ll love the morbid pleasure of having a half-dead lizard on your kitchen floor. I never miss an opportunity to take down a low-flying bluejay just for the hell of it. You see, but it is less like a gift for you, but more like a training exercise. After having noticed your appalling lack of adequate hunting skills, I feel it is my duty to bestow upon you the skills you need to feed yourself. After all, yuk, I’ve seen junk you eat.
- Declaring Our Ownership of You. In the wacky world of feline politics, it’s important that we keep a Poker Face at all times. I can’t let you see how much I ooey-gooey, gushy mushy LOVE you guys. Especially that teenager Emily, who’s been carrying me around on her shoulders and dressing me up in baby clothes since I was a kitten. It’s embarrassing how much I lovey-dovey her, so I must NOT, under any circumstances, let that show! It would totally ruin my REP, man. So I’ve mastered the art of the disdainful expression of bored indifference, regardless of my current mood. Sometimes I may rub against you, but that in no way means that I love you, it’s more of a Prison Yard Tattoo. It just means I’m rubbing my scent on you to claim you as my property. That way if any other Homies come snooping around here trying to steal my property, I will TAKE THEM DOWN. And, OK, it might mean I love you a little bit.
Well, now, I hope this resolves some much needed communication issues between us. Now go fix me a can of tuna before I poop in your shoe again!
Love, Your Cat SOX