10 Things I Want for My Birthday

I hate Birthdays_flat

Bring On The Cake!  It’s my birthday today, so I am going to give you a list of all the presents that I really want. Let’s pretend that money is no object, that you are the Oracle of Gift Giving, and that I am NOT wallowing in this Mid-Life Crisis Chasm of Despair. I am turning friggin 47, for goodness sake, so allow me to over-dramatize this age thing, just for today.

  1. I want a Tropical Vacation without my teenagers. Something that involves a lot of umbrella drinks, lobster bakes, massages and some kind of island. Any island will do, Hawaii, Tahiti, Figi, Alcatraz, Guantanamo Bay… doesn’t matter. The point is to GET AWAY from here.
  2. I want Emily, 14, to wake up one day, lose the Snarky Attitute and suddenly have an urge to clean her room, organize her closet and actually keep it that way FOREVER, instead of for just 10 minutes.
  3. I want Amanda, 16, to stop Instagramming, Facebooking and Texting while I’m trying to talk to her.
  4. I want to go shopping ALONE. I want an entire day to myself that doesn’t involve Forever 21, American Skank Jeans, Victoria Ho Underwear and Tiny Butt Shorts ‘R Us.
  5. I want both of my daughters to answer questions without the ever-present eyeroll. “OMG, why is this person my mother?”
  6. I want someone, anyone, to get up from the dinner table and announce, “Hey, why don’t you sit down after your long day at work and I’ll do the dishes tonight.”
  7. I want my boss to fire me so I will have an excuse to stop giving away all the best years of my life. Then I could concentrate on all the fun things I want to do, like paint, write, make jewelry, apply for welfare, and see what’s it like to sit in the sunshine in the middle of the day on a Tuesday.
  8. I want my husband to win 150 million dollars in the Texas lottery so that I don’t have to worry about #7.
  9. If #8 doesn’t work out, then I have a backup plan: I want money to magically appear in my bank account from an anonymous but wealthy distant relative. Money that I can use for Driving School lessons, teen driving insurance, orthodontics, summer camps, college tuition, and depression medication after I realize that none of that is going to happen.
  10. I want a Magic Fat-Sucking Weight Loss pill so I don’t have to eat egg whites and carb-free tofu for the rest of my life.

That’s not asking too much, is it? I don’t think so. Don’t get me wrong, I realize I am blessed. I have everything that matters most… wonderful healthy daughters, a loving husband, a low-paying crap job, and a lifetime supply of high blood pressure pills. But, I sure could use an umbrella drink to go with this birthday cake.


About thedaughterdiaries

Here’s a secret for all you moms of cute toddlers out there.... when you get to the teen years, things are not much better, I'm sorry to say. They still act exactly like toddlers...wild mood swings, strange sleep patterns, irrational behavior, crying fits and screaming. Wait..that last one is mostly me. Only now I can't bribe them with candy like I used to.
This entry was posted in Funny Teen Humor, Humor Blogs, Moms and Teens Humor, Moms of Teenagers, Teenage Girls, Teens and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

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