Oh, sure I remember how important hair was when I was a teenager. But I’m pretty sure we didn’t obsess over our hair every waking moment the way that Emily, 14, does. Of course, back then, there wasn’t so many options to consider, such as:
Curly Ques. Stick Straight. Beachy Waves. Root Stimulator. Gel. Heat Protectant. Pomade. Hairspray. Waterfall Braids. Messy Buns. Updos. Haircolor. Dip Dye. Ombre’ Color. And the list doesn’t end there, people.
The most creative we ever got, back in the 80’s, was to douse our head with lemon juice and wait for the sun to dye our hair a really unattractive orange-y color. Oh wait, there’s one other thing we loved to do back then. We liked to grab our bangs, tease them into a 4-inch-high tower resembling something like a rat’s nest, and then cement them in place with 2 gallons of AquaNet. Now, THAT was a super sexy look right there. (What the hell were we thinking?)
This must be one of those rite-of-passage things that every teenaged girl has to go through. Right now, you can’t have a single conversation with Emily without her mentioning her hair. I find this mystifying.
Me: “Emily, do you have any math homework tonight?”
Emily: “Huh? Hey, mom, did you know that if you let me buy shampoo for Horse’s Mane, it will make my hair grow super-fast?”
Me: “Do they make any horse products that will help you learn algebraic equations?”
She thinks about her hair ALOT, she talks about it ALOT, and spends alot of time staring at her hair in the mirror, or any other reflective surface. Lately, I’ve been having to avoid conversations with her in the kitchen because she can’t concentrate on the subject at hand. She’s too busy admiring her fabulously long blond hair in the reflection of the toaster. Actually, you can’t get away from the ever-present Hair Obsession anywhere, no matter what room you are in, because she keeps taking “selfies” of her self with her damn phone camera, and then admiring those!
Emily spends an ungodly amount of time on You Tube looking up hair care products, “how-to” videos, and hair care home remedies. If she spent just half this amount of time looking up “Causes of the American Civil War” we probably wouldn’t have any issues with bad grades. There’s a scary amount of information on You Tube, and apparently a huge market of 14-year-old hair-obsessed teens eager to absorb every bit of advice they can find. For instance, one day she announced that, according to an “expert” on You-Tube (yeah, right!) a mixture of mayonnaise and olive oil would “condition” her hair and make it grow. Never mind that her hair is almost as long as her butt already. Pretty soon she’ll have to fold it and put in her purse when she goes out to avoid tripping on it.
When she asked for mayonnaise and olive oil, I thought she was going to whip up a tasty new salad dressing. (Yeah, ‘cause my teenagers just love to help me in the kitchen.*eyeroll*). Nope, wrong. The next morning, she comes downstairs for school with a major grease-pit happening on her head. It looked like she soaked her head in an Exxon oil spill.
“Oh, no! What happened?” I said
“I don’t want to talk about it.” she mumbled.
Apparently the mayonnaise-to-oil ratio was a bit off, or something like that. She tried to wash it three times the night before, but to no avail. So she had no choice but to put that vaguely Olive Garden-smelling mess up in a ponytail and go to school looking like a homeless bag lady who can’t afford shampoo.
She was pretty mad about it, but she eventually got over the grease pit incident, This, in no way, deterred her from continuing to search the internet for crazy home hair remedies that promise the ultimate shine, condition and growth. Personally, having to go to school with Elvis hair would have deterred me from ever taking internet “advice” again. Call me crazy, but that’s just me.
“Mom, can I buy 14 avocados at the grocery store?”
Oh, Lord. Kill me. I’ve got to go cook dinner, so that’s the end of this blog. I have a strange craving for Salad tonight, but CRAP, wouldn’t you know it, I’m all out of olive oil.
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