If you’re anything like me, you’ve lived a pretty unimpressive life so far. There’s nothing in your life that really stands out, you know, like things you can brag about at holiday parties…. such as arrest records, sex tapes on the internet, being in the federal witness protection program, or being voted People’s Sexiest Middle Aged Mom Alive. Hell, I don’t even have a Wikipedia page. None of those things have happened to me so far. But I’m not dead yet. There’s still hope.
You might even describe my life thus far as predictably and hopelessly dull and pathetically average. It might even seem to you that my life couldn’t possibly get any more boring. But that’s where you’d be wrong, my skeptical friend. You see, deep in my delusional mind, I am a tremendously impressive person. So when my friends and family gather for Thanksgiving this year, I intend to make sure everyone knows just how impressive I am.
Part of what makes me so impressive is my deep humility which prevents me from bringing my many hidden talents and accomplishments to your attention. Impressive people like me learned our lesson way back in junior high when the teacher asked if anyone had anything to share, and I raised my hand and proceeded to detail my good grades, lack of cavities and ability to name all of the crayons in the Crayola big box. And after school, all the other kids beat me up.
Of course, I never stopped being a super-talented whiz kid but I realized that it would be best if people just discovered my super powers on their own, instead my taking out a full page ad in the local paper, which I happen to work for, by the way. Since most people can’t handle my kind of incredibleness on the regular, I have to keep it on the down-low all the other days of the year.
So I’ve been waiting to be discovered by Lifetime TV producers – who I am sure will want to film a documentary about my life, just as soon as they run out of more fascinating people to film. Not even my friends and family realize who they are dealing with, so I’m thinking that by hosting a Thanksgiving party this year, this will give me a chance to leave subtle clues around my house, to help everyone discover my impressiveness.
Yes sir, it’s time to let your people know just who they ought to be giving thanks for this year, so you may want to print out these Tips to Make You Seem as Impressive As Possible and tape them to your sub-zero, stainless steel Sears refrigerator:
1) Put Impressive Things in Your Medicine Cabinet. Someone will always check your medicine cabinet in your bathroom, just to make sure you are not taking illegal drugs, which would finally explain your unusual impressiveness. If you’re not on performance enhancing drugs, then you might worry about the discovery of fungal cream, or anything with the word “ointment” on it, so after removing these embarrassing products, why not replace them with your college transcripts showing your outstanding GPA, copies of congratulatory emails from work, and last week’s grocery store receipt showing just how much money you saved buying generic brands? Add a solved New York Times crossword puzzle, and voilà, you’ve just blow your guests’ minds.
2) Leave complex vocabulary words on yellow sticky notes lying around your house. The point here is to impress your guests with your splendid command of the English language. For instance, when your guests open up the refrigerator, they might see a note to your daughter that reads,
“Dear First Born, please endeavor to expedite the implementation of the deleterious food waste which will immediately ameliorate our shelf space. – Love, Mom.”
Or perhaps they will find a sticky note to your husband on the bar that reads,
“Dear Hubby, this is a reminder to be cognizant of the commencement of our financial commitments to the orthodontist and to use your financial proficiencies to promulgate a prescribed payment for services rendered. – Love, Your Wife.”
If one of your relatives happens to pick up one of these notes, quickly snatch it out of their hand and tell them to mind their own business. They will marvel at your incredible display of humbleness.
3) Hide impressive books around your house. Stick a copy of “Les Miserable” under your couch cushion. It’s the fattest novel every written, so no doubt they will “accidentally” discover it when it forms a giant lump under their butt. Put a copy of “War and Peace” near the guest toilet, and don’t forget to dog-ear pages and highlight impressive passages. On the guest bedside table, leave a copy of a current book on Amazon’s Must-Read list called “The Know-It-All: One Man’s Humble Quest to Become the Smartest Person in the World.” Yes, this is a real book. When asked about your impressive array of intellectual books, just shrug nonchalantly and say that you just read them casually in your spare time.
4) Leave a Fancy Christmas Shopping List on the Kitchen table so people will think you have Good Taste and Money. Here is an example of the gift items you will want to put on your list:
1855 Taylor Fladgate Scion Vintage Tawny Port Wine
Pule Cheese made from Donkey Milk
Diamond encrusted Chess Set
Grey Goose Vodka
1962 Red Ferrari 250 GTO
First Class Tickets to Toyko
Kopi Luwak coffee beans pooped out by a Civet Cat
Hostess Ding Dongs
5) Leave your Daily Planner open on the coffee table. Write things on your calendar like “2:00 pm meeting with the Dali Lama to discuss Christian Apologetics vs. Eastern Orthodox Thinking.” Or how about “11:00 am Friday morning meeting with the Senate Appropriations Committee to Discuss Possible Funding for Stressed Working Moms who Desperately Need a Vacation but Can’t Afford it due to Unfortunately Not Being Paid What Their Worth.” See? I told you I was busy.
Are you impressed yet? If your friends and family don’t give thanks for you after all that, it may be time for you to meet some people with lower standards. Just sayin’.
Happy Thanksgiving Everyone!